mumbles

We can be surrounded yet still feel so alone.

Our minds will do that to us. Build a space, fill it with nothing, then convince us we are inside.

Its a trap, constructed by habit. When we see familiar sites, familiar faces, hear familiar sounds, it becomes a struggle, to pull ourselves out of the emptiness.

Why struggle to maintain the mundane, when a little chaos can create a more interesting version of the same thing.

Quick, shit, write it down.

Provoked by uncertainty, silence drowned my lungs.

Too many thoughts spiraling like atoms, to concentrate on one.

Words were never lost, as they had never been found.

As if captivated by the earth my eyes beamed to the ground.

I heard myself swallow, it had never been so loud.

As the breath came out, a calm set in.

I was floating on a cloud.

But with this fear of heights, and falling to my doom,

I suddenly was thankful

I was locked inside this room.

Songs on Repeat

Having quite a bit of alone time here, Ive been taking the opportunity to listen to a lot of music. Some songs much more than others, though. So it got me thinking, what songs over the last bit of my life have I had a compulsion to listen to over and over, and over again. The list probably isn't complete, but should encompass which songs really had an impact on me recently, in no particular order.


Sebastien Tellier - La Ritournelle
The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd - High Hopes
Thom Yorke - Harrowdown Hill
Radiohead- Reckoner
Radiohead - Idioteque
Jason Lu - Karma Police
La Roux - In for the Kill (Skream Remix)
Beirut - Elephant Gun
Beirut - Nantes
Fleetwood Mac - Big Love
Modest Mouse - Dashboard
Cold War Kids - Hospital Beds
Dave Matthews Band - Dreamgirl
Simon and Garfunkel - Sound of Silence
Death Cab for Cutie - Grapevine Fires
Death Cab for Cutie - Bixby Canyon Bridge
Florence and the Machine - Dog Days are Over
Gorillaz - Hong Kong
The Knife - Silent Shout
Neutral Milk Hotel - Aeroplane over the Sea
Passion Pit - Sleepyhead
Regina Spektor - On the Radio
The Veils - It Hits Deep
The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out


Seems like a long list, but each of these songs was implanted in my head for a rather distinct amount of time. And I do have a few close friends to thank for the introduction to a lot of this music...Not exactly proactive myself...

Bittersweet

I watched

As the Bavaria Cream lost its balance and slowly and sadly tumbled onto its side.

The crumbs from the walnuts didn't make it too far,

A soft fall will do that to you.

The chocolate dripped down like molasses on the edges. I couldn't help but not do anything,

Maybe a quicker fall and I would have felt more compelled to play hero.

But I was too full, too satisfied from what was

To really mind what will be.

Lets take a moment to refresh

Physically, its not much different. A few skyscrapers that weren't there on the last trip now block a little more of the horizon, some new billboards plastered on the giant walls of the apartments as I pass by on the freeway, but all in all its the same old place. Mentally, that's where the spark it made. It's a position as foreign to me as I am to this place. I am used to certainty, used to redundancy, used to having my next step figured out days, weeks, even months before I get there. This is not to say I lack spontaneity, it is merely chaos within order. But this time it's different. I now have no real plans, just ideas in my head and a supposed confidence that should power me through any difficult times. Im a bit scared. I don't doubt I'll settle and and enjoy every moment of this experience as the time ticks by, but the first few steps, as with most things, will prove to be a welcomed, yet trying test to a mind that has built itself upon habits.

As for family, this is an interesting period of time for that as well. A little background on the basics; my fathers side is slightly older, with the youngest cousin I have being about 3 years my senior. My moms side, slightly younger, with the oldest cousins (twin boys) being about 10 years my junior. Now age isn't the biggest deal in the world;I have been around young ones all my life, and I consider myself mature enough to hold a conversation with the older crowd just as well as anyone, but it does put me in an awkward place at times. Furthermore, it is a strange feeling, to be a stranger in your own family. Not that any of them would ever say it to my face, but the truth is quite clear. A member of the family who visits for 3 weeks every year or so is just not going to be all too well integrated in the family's day to day life. This is something that with time will go away and is a large part of the reason I decided to spend so much time in Israel.

This week will begin the assimilation process. I will look for an Israeli cell phone, open a bank account, learn the bus routes, and try to meet up with some of my Israeli friends who live in nearby cities.

Oh yeah, and I'll have to start learning Hebrew just a bit better than I know it ....